One of the greatest animated films of all time, Shrek had terrific animation and humor. Here are some amusing quotes:
Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
Shrek: Example… uh… ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes… No!
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Donkey: Oh, you leave ’em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs…
Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. What about cake? Everybody loves cake!
Shrek: I don’t care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “Hell no, I don’t like no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey: Parfait’s gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
Donkey: Hey, look at this!
[he goes up to an information booth and pulls a lever. After some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop out and begin singing]
Clockwork Chorus: Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town / Here we have some rules, let us lay them down: / Don’t make waves, stay in line / And we’ll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place
Clockwork Chorus: Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your… FACE! / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect… place!
[the booth takes Donkey and Shrek’s photo, showing them stunned]
Donkey: Wow. Let’s do that again!
Shrek: [grabs Donkey] No! No, no no no. No.
[Shrek burps in front of Donkey and Fiona]
The Donkey: Shrek!
Shrek: What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
The Donkey: But that’s no way to behave in front of a princess.
[Fiona burps louder]
Princess Fiona: Thanks.
The Donkey: [to Shrek] She’s as nasty as you are.
Magic Mirror: [telling Lord Farquaad about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my Lord, because I’m about to give you today’s three eligible bachelorettes.
[the mirror shows images of Cinderella]
Magic Mirror: Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Let’s hear it for Cinderella!
[changes to images of Snow White]
Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White!
[changes to Princess Fiona]
Magic Mirror: And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava! But don’t let that cool you off. She’s a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona! So, who will it be? Bachelorette #1? Bechelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3?
[Farquaad’s advisors start calling out their choices, with Thelonious saying “#3”]
Lord Farquaad: Uhhh, Number 3!
Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you have chosen… Princess Fiona.
Princess Fiona: The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
Donkey: Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it’s beautiful!
Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what’s he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in “short” supply.
Donkey: Yeah! Though there are those who think “little” of him!
[as they approach Fiona’s castle, Donkey smells the air]
Donkey: Whoa, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that, my mouth was open and everything!
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you’d be dead!
Shrek: That’s brimstone… we must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don’t be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelled, it wasn’t no brim and it didn’t come off no stone neither…
Lord Farquaad: [to his knights] The winner of this tournament – no, no, the privilege – will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, and so on and so forth… Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Lord Farquaad: [playing with Gingy’s legs] Run, run, run as fast as you can / You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man: You’re a monster!
Lord Farquaad: [tossing legs away] I’m not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
[spits in Farquaad’s face]
Lord Farquaad: I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I’ll…
Gingerbread Man: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: All right, then! Who’s hiding them?
Gingerbread Man: Okay, I’ll tell you… Do you know… the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives down on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: Well, she’s married to the Muffin Man…
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad: She’s married to the Muffin Man…
Merry Men: [singing] Ta da, da da da da – whoo!
Monsieur Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy…
Merry Man: He takes a wee percentage…
Monsieur Hood: But I’m not greedy – I rescue pretty damsels, man I’m good!
Merry Men: What a guy, ha ha, Monsieur Hood!
Monsieur Hood: Break it down…
[Merry Men Irish step dance]
Monsieur Hood: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid…
Merry Men: What he’s basically saying is he likes to get…
Monsieur Hood: Paid!
Monsieur Hood: So, when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that’s bad.
Merry Man: [joining in] That’s bad, that’s bad, that’s bad!
Monsieur Hood: When a beauty’s with a beast it makes me awfully mad!
Merry Men: He’s mad, he’s really, really mad!
Monsieur Hood: Now I’ll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys, ‘Cause I’m about to start…
[Fiona swoops in and kicks him – the music stops]
Princess Fiona: Man, that was annoying!
Princess Fiona: [hears a roar] You didn’t slay the dragon?
Shrek: It’s on my to-do list, now come on!
Princess Fiona: But this isn’t right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying! That’s what all the other knights did!
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!
[They pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims]
Princess Fiona: That’s not the point…!
Shrek: Princess, I was SENT to rescue you by Lord Farquad, okay? HE’s the one that wants to marry you.
Princess Fiona: Well, why didn’t he come to rescue me?
Shrek: Good question! You can ask him that when we get there…
Princess Fiona: But I’m supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre a-a-and his PET!
Donkey: Well, so much for noble steed!
Shrek: Look, Princess, you’re not making my job any easier…
Princess Fiona: Well, I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem. You tell Lord “Far-Quad” that if he wants to rescue me PROPERLY, I’ll be waiting for him right here!
Shrek: Hey! I’m nobody’s messenger boy, all right? I’m a delivery boy!
Princess Fiona: You wouldn’t dare…!
[Shrek carries her off]
Shrek: Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is?
[Donkey jumps up and down, shouting out]
Donkey: Oh, I know! I know where he is!
Shrek: Does anyone ELSE know where to find him?
Donkey: Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me!